Anger is something we all experience. In its healthy forms, it helps us cope with danger, injustice and the maintenance of certain appropriate societal norms. In its unhealthy forms, it can cause a wide variety of symptoms and effect disastrous results on family, friends and work relationships as well as taking a great physical toll.

Anger management problems are, primarily, a learned response to frustration and anxiety. They develop and are constantly reinforced throughout a person's life. Persons with anger management problems often come from families with anger management problems. This usually results from poor role modeling of coping skills for frustration and anxiety or from being subjected to physical and/or emotional abuse. One develops the perception that the world is not a safe place and that there isn't anyone who can be trusted. This makes the world appear to be a far more dangerous place than it really is. That heightened sense of danger requires constant vigilance and that generates more stress, anxiety and fear. A person learns to attack even when there's no real threat and can find themselves in a state of constant agitation as a result.

Our culture tends to promote the inappropriate expression of anger. Sensationalism, over-competitiveness, media that glorifies over-blown acts of revenge and vigilantism all contribute to an undercurrent of misplaced and exaggerated anger. (It is often said that the only emotion men are comfortable expressing is anger and our culture certainly reinforces that as well.)

Once a person feels threatened, whether that threat is real or not, aggression is often the result. The consequences range from hurt feelings to homicide and everything in-between.

Fortunately, there are many effective steps one can take to change unhealthy anger reactions. Though they take a concerted effort and some time, anger management techniques can truly change one's life. The first and most important step toward successful anger management is accepting that you are FULLY RESPONSIBLE for your own actions. Blaming others and external situations for acting out inappropriate anger is the cornerstone of an angry person's rationalization for their behavior. Taking sole personal responsibility for your emotions and reactions allows you to look inward at the true causes of and underlying issues related to your anger. This opens the door to change.

Get Counseling
If you are experiencing frequent episodes of inappropriate anger, the next step may be enlisting the help of a therapist who specializes in anger management. Having a safe, objective and supportive environment to address underlying issues and explore perceptions and attitudes about anger can generate effective coping skills and considerable healing. You don't have to do this alone and you don't want to wait until your employer, spouse or the justice system thrusts therapy upon you.

Stress Reduction
One of the most effective ways to begin to manage anger is to manage your stress. The less stressed you are, the less likely you are to respond to external pressures with anger. There are a wide variety of stress reduction techniques available. Check out The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook by Martha Davis, Ph.D. This best-selling book details effective stress reduction methods such as breathing exercises, meditation, visualization, and time management.

Challenge Irrational Beliefs
Rationalizations for venting anger are often based on perceptions and beliefs that are off track. Take a step back and evaluate what makes you angry and why. You may find that underlying issues like distrust, shame, low self image and hurts from the past are really what's fueling your anger in the present. Journal about the things that make you angry. Try to look at things from a different, more positive perspective. Think about other's feelings and priorities and see if this leads you to a different conclusion about why you get angry. Changing your perceptions about when and why anger should be expressed, and at what level, is key to managing your anger.

Role-Playing & Affirmations
Practice more appropriate responses to virtually any situation as a way of preparing yourself to react differently when that situation actually arises. Take a pad and write out how you normally respond to a situation and then describe on paper how you intend to handle it in the future. Face yourself in a mirror and practice the new reactions. Watch your facial expressions and body posture. Non-Verbal communication is as important as what you actually say. Practice the new way of responding over and over again and repeat the associated affirmations. Over time, these new reactions will replace the old ones. See my article on Affirmations for more information about this aspect of anger management.

If you are experiencing a problem with anger, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW! Anger can be a very destructive force in one's life. If you don't get control of it, I can guarantee it will take control of you with potentially disastrous results. Spare yourself and the ones you love the trauma, frustration and disappointment of having to cope with inappropriate anger. Free yourself from the shame, guilt and loss of respect that accompanies those angry episodes. Give yourself a chance to change. You may be amazed at how wonderful life can be when you're not angry all the time.

If you'd like to explore this topic further, take a look at these books. They can help you take the steps necessary to understand anger and manage it more effectively.
The Anger Workbook by Lorrainne Bilodeau, M.S.
Angry All The Time by Ron Potter-Efron, M.S.W.
Letting Go of Anger by Ron Potter-Efron, M.S.W.
Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.

Article Updated 10/26/01